Several American television shows and movies show scenes where teenage boys are desperate to get a job and a car solely for the purpose of landing a chik... Where has this mindset gone??
It seems as if the simple kind gestures of men are no where to be found!
When I meet a guy and I begin to get to know him naturally I am expecting a date to be produced in the initial conversation. If I don't even get to that point then that's a clear sign already. However, if a conversation of getting together does occur it can get quite complicated. I will attempt to make this very clear but this is a layered issue....
Who pays? Does who pays determines who drives? At what point do you draw the line for meeting someone half way (and I mean literal and figurative)?
I've met guys who say if I drive, they'll pay. I've met guys who don't want to go out at all because either they don't have a car or they don't have money. I've met guys who literally want to meet there and we each pay our own way. Well to me that's just like goin out with one of my homegirls.
Is it wrong for me to believe that if you don't have a car or money, you don't need to be dating? And when I say don't have money I'm not referring to just loads to blow. I'm talking basic needs.
I take a lot of pride in the fact that I am not the type of woman who requires her man to pay for things. I don't need you to get my nails done or pay my bills or pay my car note. Random acts of kindness are always appreciated but I can take care of myself. And if I can't then it's my own responsibility to handle, not yours. There are so may women out there who make me look bad because they have these ridiculous standards for men. I can't pay no man's bills so I definitely don't need him to pay mine... I digress...
I think that if I am talking to someone and getting to know him he should suggest a date. Now I know there are concerns with riding in a car with a guy you just met, etc. Yet, even with those concerns the offer should still be made to be picked up. I cannot tell you how infuriating it is to meet a guy and the first thing out of his mouth is asking me to come over.... NO!!!! #fail #gameover SMH!
On that same note, I don't want to go and pick him up either.
I understand times are rough and we are in a recession, well technically the recession is over according to USA Today, but yeah you get my point... But I think it's time for men to get creative. Just because you are broke and or cheap does not mean that the only options are chillin at the house. Furthermore, if your finances are that tight perhaps this is not the time for you to be dating... Seriously!
But at the same time I understand not wanting to splurge on a chik you barely know... hello? That's why there are places like Starbucks and Jamba Juice. You can purchase 2 of anything from either place for less than $10!
I've paid for several dates... due in part to the awkwardness when the bill comes or the fact that the idiot will say something like "You planned this" or "I'll get it next time"... keep in mind if he says that clearly there is no next time.
A girl told me recently that with my personality, looks, and intelligence I shouldn't be paying for anything. I didn't take that as a compliment though. It is women like her that has guys wanting to go half on every darn thing. I think guys are afraid of being used by women and that just ruins it for me because all I want is dinner and shoes and make-up :)
Maybe I am a bit old fashion. I think men should pay. And that is what my parents taught me (although they also told me to never go on a date without a credit card- enough to pay for my food and a cab ride). But, I also think women can pay sometimes as well. I'm definitely not out there planning a bunch of dates and activities and expecting him to pick up every tab. I find it extremely foolish and unfair to place expectations on a guy that I cannot meet myself.
And beyond any rules I make, each relationship is different. There are some men who insist on paying for everything every time. It may be the way they were raised or because they genuinely don't mind. But for most people I know, especially in my age group, no one has it like that (yet).
In my experience, men get real comfortable when the woman starts to pay, so be careful. Next thing you know you are paying for everything including rent... ooops I digressed again!
I think its healthy, once the relationship becomes consistent and there's a pattern of going out for the individuals to discuss what works best for them. Avoid going tick for tack and saying dumb stuff like "It's your turn". If you know this is a person you're going to be around for a while then who really cares who pays for what which time. Chances are you'll see him or her again in a couple days and they'll be picking up the tab.
What's the moral of the story ladies? Always ask the Big 5!
1. Do you have a car?
2. Do you have job?
3. How long have you been at your job?
5. What's your highest level of education? (although a must for me, this is optional)
In the end find what works best for you. I'm not a major fan of going Dutch. I think you put your money into things or in this case people you like and care about. And if I like someone and I care about them, I don't mind paying; and that is all I expect back in return.
"You may not believe K.B. Knows Best, but give me some time and I'm sure I'll past the test."
P.S. Vocab word that best fits this post: reciprocity.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Control FREAK!
So I was in the jacuzzi having girl talk with my little sister Franki and I was telling her things that irritate me about guys.... She started laughing at me. Like for real- Laughing Out Loud! We then proceeded to have a conversation about how I have control issues. Now, I like to consider myself someone who enjoys order and structure. I am at my best when everything is in organized and makes sense. I am no different in my dating life.
If in a serious relationship, I like for my man to lead the relationship and make decisions in the best interest of both he and I. However, in order for me to be in that place, I have to fully trust the guy. This I realized tonight. I never equated my not wanting a guy to take control in the relationship with my not trusting him. And on top of all that, I'm easily irritated.
In a perfect world, my man would know me so well. He would know that I hate being late, and I hate when there aren't diner reservations made, and that I can't stand when things aren't thought completely through. Franki thinks I'm crazy that I would fight over dinner reservations... and she's right. That is really small and I need to learn to pick my fights.
But how do you think I feel??? I really want to be the submissive, quiet, meek girl in the relationship but I often find myself thinking that I can do a better job than him. I feel like I know what's best for us... I feel crazy even now saying this out loud. I think that I've been single for so long that I struggle to find the balance between being a strong woman and not feeling like me being quiet is weakness.
If I can't trust that the person I am talking to will make the best decisions for our relationship- from dinner reservations to our future plans- then I don't need to talk to him. So it's a combination of me letting go and letting the man be the man AND me working on my trust issues with men. My current motto of Play the guy before I get played is no longer acceptable.
It's time for me to grow up and act my age in all areas of my life. I asked Franki to give me a few days to get this out of my system... I just can't un-become a control freak over night! So, starting Monday I am going to be so relaxed and calm in my relationship. If something doesn't go my way I will not freak out. If I think my idea is better I won't just blurt it out. I'm going to wait and say, "No babe, let's try it your way." And if he's wrong, I'm not going to say "See! Told ya so" Nope, I'm gona be like babe that was a good idea, but I have a suggestion.
In the end, I realize no guy likes a woman who thinks she know's it all. That's just annoying. I know I'm smart and I can just be confident in that. I feel like this would be good practice for me anyway. One day I will get married and God's Word calls for the wife to be submissive. I definitely do not want to be the wife that does not allow the man to lead us in a healthy and productive manner.
If in a serious relationship, I like for my man to lead the relationship and make decisions in the best interest of both he and I. However, in order for me to be in that place, I have to fully trust the guy. This I realized tonight. I never equated my not wanting a guy to take control in the relationship with my not trusting him. And on top of all that, I'm easily irritated.
In a perfect world, my man would know me so well. He would know that I hate being late, and I hate when there aren't diner reservations made, and that I can't stand when things aren't thought completely through. Franki thinks I'm crazy that I would fight over dinner reservations... and she's right. That is really small and I need to learn to pick my fights.
But how do you think I feel??? I really want to be the submissive, quiet, meek girl in the relationship but I often find myself thinking that I can do a better job than him. I feel like I know what's best for us... I feel crazy even now saying this out loud. I think that I've been single for so long that I struggle to find the balance between being a strong woman and not feeling like me being quiet is weakness.
If I can't trust that the person I am talking to will make the best decisions for our relationship- from dinner reservations to our future plans- then I don't need to talk to him. So it's a combination of me letting go and letting the man be the man AND me working on my trust issues with men. My current motto of Play the guy before I get played is no longer acceptable.
It's time for me to grow up and act my age in all areas of my life. I asked Franki to give me a few days to get this out of my system... I just can't un-become a control freak over night! So, starting Monday I am going to be so relaxed and calm in my relationship. If something doesn't go my way I will not freak out. If I think my idea is better I won't just blurt it out. I'm going to wait and say, "No babe, let's try it your way." And if he's wrong, I'm not going to say "See! Told ya so" Nope, I'm gona be like babe that was a good idea, but I have a suggestion.
In the end, I realize no guy likes a woman who thinks she know's it all. That's just annoying. I know I'm smart and I can just be confident in that. I feel like this would be good practice for me anyway. One day I will get married and God's Word calls for the wife to be submissive. I definitely do not want to be the wife that does not allow the man to lead us in a healthy and productive manner.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
What's (really) Between Marriage and Single?
June 21, 2011
I will be 25 years old in ten days and if some one asked me to define my current status I would say single.... Or would I? I had a really revealing and informative textersation (conversation via text) with a good buddy of mine yesterday where I attempted to explain a recent post of mine on Twitter. The question of the hour was "What does making it officially really mean?" Does slapping on a title automatically create a real relationship? Can two individuals coexist successfully in a healthy relationship without the BF/GF title? And the list of questions goes on and on. Now, usually people (mostly women) dislike my relationship advice. I'm not really sure why though. As a proud advocate against titles, I am usually the scorn of most women as they see me as someone willing to do the role without the title. My thought is this: Regardless of a title people are going to do whatever they want! I don't mind being a "friend" if my friend and I are both on the same page about where this "friendship" is going. More important than any title or status is the goal of the relationship. At a certain age BF/GF just isn't enough. What is the end result? Marriage? If it's not then I just really don't see the need to move beyond a friendship. Next thing ya know you're going to have a huge tally of how many failed relationships you've been in. Please have a goal in mind, preferably an agreed upon goal before you embark on anything serious.
Now, a lot of times guys find themselves in a situation where they are fine with not having a title but the girl is not. Balance is key... I say that about almost everything, but it's true. If this girl is someone that you're serious about then it is really time to have a talk with her about why titles make you uncomfortable and then you both come to a happy medium. It's definitely not worth fighting over... Some people feel that titles bring on extra pressure or extra attention. Others may feel that with a title there are certain responsibilities that come with that. It is really easy to get hung up on a title and forget the goal.
Let's take a break from that for a second and try to list and define common terms that refer to relationship status:
1. the most obvious- BF/GF: exclusive, monogamous
2. Talking: getting to know each other, should lead to exclusive
3. Dating: you can be dating one person or multiple people, casual.
Is there a difference between Talking and Dating? And I have not decided if Dating and Talking are on the same level?
4. Messin Around: very casual, physical relationship- may or may not be exclusive
5. "We Cool": you like him/her not really sure where it's going- Danger! Avoid this if at all possible, this is too vague- even for me lol
6. Friends w/ all sorts of benefits: the level of complication for this one varies depending on the people
I'm sure there are more but I'd like for my blog to be PG
According to the Feds, if you're not married you're single. None of these options are available to be checked off on mortgage applications or apartment leases. You can only check married, or single and sometimes they let you check divorced. The point is we waste so much time trying to create these special categories and none of it matters!
People ask me what I want... I had a guy tell me that I didn't seem like the type that wanted to fall in love. At first I was really sad, but then I gave it some thought. He was right. I've been in love before. It was great at first, but it's the worse feeling in the world when the person you fall in love with falls out of love with you! Now I'm just a tad bit on the defense. I want to fall in love again someday. But I think now I have a better handle of who is worth actually falling for.
Life to me is a huge project and God is the project manager. I want a team partner that I know I can be successful in this journey with. Will we be in love? Absolutely. But it's also just as important that we have the same goal in mind at the start of the relationship/friendship. Don't waste your time with someone that you know dating is just a hobby for them. You will end up frustrated and disappointed for no reason. He or she will move on quickly without you and you will be up with a broken heart trying to figure out what went wrong. Nothing went wrong, you were just someone to fill that time.
Everyone is different... and just like you would not let some one rush you into making a decision, don't let anyone talk you into a status you're not comfortable with. If you're a title person, fight for your rights! If you're not, make sure you both are crystal clear on what's allowed and what's OK.
This is just for your reading pleasure... My advice does not have to be taken. After all, I'm the idiot who stayed in the talking phase for 2 years and 9 months and at 2 years and 10 months he decided he wanted to "talk" to someone else... so yeah we all have things to learn!
Nonetheless, I welcome all comments!
"This time around you may not think K.B Knows Best, but I'm sure in the future I'll pass the Test"
I will be 25 years old in ten days and if some one asked me to define my current status I would say single.... Or would I? I had a really revealing and informative textersation (conversation via text) with a good buddy of mine yesterday where I attempted to explain a recent post of mine on Twitter. The question of the hour was "What does making it officially really mean?" Does slapping on a title automatically create a real relationship? Can two individuals coexist successfully in a healthy relationship without the BF/GF title? And the list of questions goes on and on. Now, usually people (mostly women) dislike my relationship advice. I'm not really sure why though. As a proud advocate against titles, I am usually the scorn of most women as they see me as someone willing to do the role without the title. My thought is this: Regardless of a title people are going to do whatever they want! I don't mind being a "friend" if my friend and I are both on the same page about where this "friendship" is going. More important than any title or status is the goal of the relationship. At a certain age BF/GF just isn't enough. What is the end result? Marriage? If it's not then I just really don't see the need to move beyond a friendship. Next thing ya know you're going to have a huge tally of how many failed relationships you've been in. Please have a goal in mind, preferably an agreed upon goal before you embark on anything serious.
Now, a lot of times guys find themselves in a situation where they are fine with not having a title but the girl is not. Balance is key... I say that about almost everything, but it's true. If this girl is someone that you're serious about then it is really time to have a talk with her about why titles make you uncomfortable and then you both come to a happy medium. It's definitely not worth fighting over... Some people feel that titles bring on extra pressure or extra attention. Others may feel that with a title there are certain responsibilities that come with that. It is really easy to get hung up on a title and forget the goal.
Let's take a break from that for a second and try to list and define common terms that refer to relationship status:
1. the most obvious- BF/GF: exclusive, monogamous
2. Talking: getting to know each other, should lead to exclusive
3. Dating: you can be dating one person or multiple people, casual.
Is there a difference between Talking and Dating? And I have not decided if Dating and Talking are on the same level?
4. Messin Around: very casual, physical relationship- may or may not be exclusive
5. "We Cool": you like him/her not really sure where it's going- Danger! Avoid this if at all possible, this is too vague- even for me lol
6. Friends w/ all sorts of benefits: the level of complication for this one varies depending on the people
I'm sure there are more but I'd like for my blog to be PG
According to the Feds, if you're not married you're single. None of these options are available to be checked off on mortgage applications or apartment leases. You can only check married, or single and sometimes they let you check divorced. The point is we waste so much time trying to create these special categories and none of it matters!
People ask me what I want... I had a guy tell me that I didn't seem like the type that wanted to fall in love. At first I was really sad, but then I gave it some thought. He was right. I've been in love before. It was great at first, but it's the worse feeling in the world when the person you fall in love with falls out of love with you! Now I'm just a tad bit on the defense. I want to fall in love again someday. But I think now I have a better handle of who is worth actually falling for.
Life to me is a huge project and God is the project manager. I want a team partner that I know I can be successful in this journey with. Will we be in love? Absolutely. But it's also just as important that we have the same goal in mind at the start of the relationship/friendship. Don't waste your time with someone that you know dating is just a hobby for them. You will end up frustrated and disappointed for no reason. He or she will move on quickly without you and you will be up with a broken heart trying to figure out what went wrong. Nothing went wrong, you were just someone to fill that time.
Everyone is different... and just like you would not let some one rush you into making a decision, don't let anyone talk you into a status you're not comfortable with. If you're a title person, fight for your rights! If you're not, make sure you both are crystal clear on what's allowed and what's OK.
This is just for your reading pleasure... My advice does not have to be taken. After all, I'm the idiot who stayed in the talking phase for 2 years and 9 months and at 2 years and 10 months he decided he wanted to "talk" to someone else... so yeah we all have things to learn!
Nonetheless, I welcome all comments!
"This time around you may not think K.B Knows Best, but I'm sure in the future I'll pass the Test"
Monday, June 20, 2011
On the First Day
June 20, 2011
On this last official day of Spring I finally decided to start my blog. My mind is always wandering and I always have something to say so I feel a blog is appropriate.
I'm not sure exactly how it will be organized exactly. However, I plan to cover a variety of topics from what's hot in fashion to American politics to foreign affairs to relationship drama!
It should be fun. I'm excited to share with the world what "K.B. Knows Best"
On this last official day of Spring I finally decided to start my blog. My mind is always wandering and I always have something to say so I feel a blog is appropriate.
I'm not sure exactly how it will be organized exactly. However, I plan to cover a variety of topics from what's hot in fashion to American politics to foreign affairs to relationship drama!
It should be fun. I'm excited to share with the world what "K.B. Knows Best"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)